You Deserve Support. Here's How To Get It.
Let me start with two quick reminders:
1) No matter whether you are a first year associate or general counsel at a public company, your job is incredibly stressful and demanding. On top of the hours and client demands, by nature, attorneys must appear infallible and prepared for every possible circumstance. This makes it difficult to ask for help or even help ourselves.
2) We are still enduring a global health crisis and national racial reckoning. The ABA National Task Force on Lawyer Well-Being sounded the alarm in 2017 to improve the health and well-being of the legal profession due to the shockingly high rates of substance use, addiction and mental disorders, including depression and thoughts of suicide. Fast forward less than three years, a global pandemic erupts highlighting structural inequities across our country that perpetuate racial and gender bias. Being an attorney was hard before the pandemic. There is now an acute and urgent need for us to take care of ourselves and each other.
I’m all for a gratitude practice and a “bright side” perspective now and then, but I share these straight-forward facts to illustrate that it’s okay to need help. It may feel intrusive to ask for help because everyone is fighting their own battle against COVID-19 or perhaps you believe your privilege doesn’t allow you to complain or seek support. I’m here to tell you that you deserve support. Especially now. The catch is that you may need to ask for it. Here’s how:
1. Support yourself.
The term “self-care” means so much more than pedicures and long baths. We need to invest in ourselves and our own well-being. Start small and do something every day just for you. One idea is to think about something you miss from your pre-pandemic life. What about that fulfilled you? How can you recreate that feeling today? A common example, somewhat ironically, is the commute. People miss the ramp up/ramp down time that separated their day and allowed them to explore podcasts or audiobooks or call friends and family. With remote working, that’s gone but can you build a 15-minute walk into the beginning and end of your day?
Another option is to identify simple pleasures that you can enjoy in 3 minutes or less. Maybe it’s the first sip of a perfectly brewed coffee or your favorite 90’s hip hop song. Whatever it is, practice savoring those moments then tap into them when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Lastly...boundaries. Draw them and maintain them as best you can. Prentis Hemphil said “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” You may not be the lovey-dovey type at work but the point is that continuous sacrifice is not good for anyone. As women, we frequently want to be helpful and people pleasers but, too much of a good thing can hurt us. We feel “guilty” if we are not everything to everyone. Here is your permission to say no to others and yes to yourself. Again, what does that look like for you? Perhaps you would love to cover for your colleague but you need a night to just chill. Politely let her know. Or maybe you want to truly unplug while you visit your parents who you haven’t seen in 18 months due to the pandemic. How can you make that happen?
2. Ask yourself: “What does support look like?”
According to a recent survey, the number one thing that working parents at law firms want from their employer is empathy and understanding. More than flex time or childcare subsidies - parents want to be seen and heard. And I’m certain the same is true for child-free attorneys, because as human beings, belonging and connection fuel us.
But what does that mean? Each of us has unique circumstances and experiences in our lives that shape who we are and what we need in any given moment. There is no one-size-fits-all way to support a human being. So we first need to figure out what support looks like to us. To do that, we need to pay attention. Notice what causes you stress or makes you feel like you don’t belong. Then, ask yourself: What was that about? Why didn’t I feel valued or supported in that moment? What change could make me more productive or mitigate stress? If I were in manager’s shoes, what would I do to support me? And, by all means, if you are a manager, please please please ask your team what support looks like for them. It’s more than a gesture, it’s a powerful invitation that should be repeatedly extended.
Support will look different for everyone but let me be clear: I am not victim shaming here. You should not need to ask for respect or to be treated in a fair or equitable manner. If those are your asks, I highly encourage you to speak with a mentor, sponsor and/or HR professional to make these issues known so they can be addressed.
3. Make the ask.
OK...so once you take care of yourself and know what you need from others, here is the hard part. Actually making the ask. If you’re uncomfortable advocating for yourself, think about the advice you would give your best friend. Does she deserve what you are asking for? So do you.
When crafting your ask for support, try to think outside-the-box and be as specific as possible. Some examples: 1) Is it possible to block my calendar from 1-2pm each day because that is when my kids remote learning day ends and I’ve learned that if I can give them as much attention as possible during that time, it’s better for my family’s collective mental health. 2) Is there any administrative support available? I waste cycles of time with contract management and I usually end up catching up with late nights at the end of the month causing me not to sleep well that week. 3) Are there any stretch projects in the pipeline? With good intentions, I feel like you have been overly accommodating since I lost my mother but I’m ready to dig in again. 4) Can you ask someone on the DEI team to meaningfully connect the Black attorneys at the firm? I would appreciate your support creating that community now. 5) Can we please schedule weekly check-ins? It would really help my productivity if I could have a designated time to review outstanding items with you. 6) If you are going to miss a deadline or be late to a meeting, can you please give me as much notice as possible? I’m juggling expectations at home and in the office and your role is important so when you miss a deadline it has a domino effect that causes more work and stress for me.
Some tactical suggestions as you prepare for the discussion: 1) Write down bullet points. The most important of which is the specific ask and data points and competitive analyses speak a thousand words. 2) Practice in front of the mirror. 3) Schedule a specific appointment with the appropriate person (ie, your manager) with an agenda so they know what to expect. 4) Follow up via email after the discussion.
Then leave it all on the table. You may not get the support you are seeking. But, by going through these steps, you cultivate clarity and confidence. You advocate for yourself. By doing so, no matter the result, you pave the way for other women to do the same. And, together, we can lift each other up...one ask at a time.
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Adrienne Prentice is the Co-founder & CEO of MotherNation. A tech attorney turned leadership coach for parents, Adrienne founded MotherNation to create spaces for Mothers to care for themselves and each other. Mothers get and give support up close through personalized Circles, and from all of MotherNation through a private online community. Her life's mission is to encourage Mothers to take up space, articulate their needs, and define their version of Motherhood. Mama to Evelyn (4) and Jack (1), Adrienne practices this big and beautiful work every day.
Email Adrienne at adrienne@mothernation.com to learn how you can bring MotherNation to your organization.